As I woke, I felt like I had slept well. The zone in which I resided was quiet. Most everyone still slept, wrapped up in their blankets as snug as a bug in a rug. The temperature was low—not cold, but chilly enough to need a thermal on. As I sat on the edge of my bed, I glanced out the window. The clouds were dark and it appeared as if it were about to rain. There were very few trees in the distance. I could see a couple of camps across the way, but the remainder was nothing but fields. I had seen the same scene for over thirty-five years. About the only variation all that time had been that of day and year. I got up and went to make a cup of coffee as I sighed.
Every morning I would read a passage of scripture and pray. Afterword, I would ponder the passage and what might come to mind while drinking coffee and sitting on my bed looking out the window. This morning’s passage was Psalm 119.17-24:
Deal bountifully with Your servant, That I may live and keep Your word. Open my eyes, that I may behold Wonderful things from Your law. I am a stranger in the earth; Do not hide Your commandments from me. My soul is crushed with longing After your ordinances at all times. You rebuke the arrogant, the cursed, Who wander from your commandments. Take away reproach and contempt from me, For I observe Your testimonies. Even though princes sit and talk against me, Your servant meditates on Your statutes. Your testimonies are also my delight; They are my counselors.
My routine this morning was no different from any other morning. After my prayer, I looked up and out the window. My thoughts gathered around the words “deal bountifully.” In college at New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary (NOBTS), I learned something very neat about those two terms. Most people claim to go all out for what they are after in life. Yet the truth is we had rather settle for only a portion of what we are after.
One of my schoolmates from college asked, “If you were playing blackjack, would you hold on 20, or tell the dealer to hit you with another card?” I’m a card player, mind you. So immediately, I thought of the odds for an ace on top of the deck. As I considered all the factors in the game, the odds were very slim that an ace would be on top. As I saw it at the time, there were only two types of people who would tell the dealer “Hit me”: an idiot or someone who has absolutely nothing to lose.
I want to win, so absolutely I would hold. I am certain we all would agree that this is the logical conclusion. My classmate had baited me into this complex problem to teach me that my way of thinking was not normal, but rather abnormal. You see, I was thinking in a carnal or secular sense. He was trying to help me see beyond myself and tap into a spiritual way of thinking. We have the mind of Christ, so start using it to think deeper, richer thoughts.
My classmate asked, “What do you truly believe about God in His relation to you?” He said, “God wants us to have every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 1.3). “Not some things, Jerry, everything. Do you believe there is an ace on deck, and that it is for you specifically?”
Looking out the window, I observed that it had begun to rain. Also, the temperature had become noticeably cooler. My mind was blank as I stared across the landscape. Then a thought occurred. “What do you believe, Jerry, and how much faith do you have in Me (God)? Do you believe there is an ace on deck waiting for you? Will you tell me, the dealer, ‘hit me one more time’? Jerry, I am the Lord. I was the One who deemed your life necessary despite your past choices. I saved your life when men wanted you dead. I have an ace for you, but you must believe it is there. And… you must ask for it.”
So… what were you saying to me, God? What was I missing? What was I supposed to ask for? I didn’t know. The Lord impressed upon me, ask for the ace, you dummy. I was puzzled, though. What specifically was the ace I was to ask for?
. . .
The rain outside came down very hard now, and it had gotten a lot cooler in the zone. A male sparrow sat on the edge of the window dodging the torrential downpour. He saw me lean slightly forward looking at him. He chirped, turning his head back to the falling rain, and sat there. He was in a safe place but he was soaking wet and likely cold. I noticed that he was not afraid of my being so close to him. It was impressive. As I watched him, I wondered what he was watching. So, I glanced up from him in search of something. The only activity I saw was the falling rain.
I gained the sudden notion that I was supposed to see something there. However, all I saw was the downpour of rain and this poor sparrow sitting before me, who, by the way, was still looking forward into the falling rain. Then, light dawned.
The sparrow was me. He was soaking wet and cold. He used his smarts to get out of the harsh elements and make the best of an apparent bad situation. In my own life, I had responded and am responding much like this unfortunate bird.
All around me the torrential rains of hatred fell. There was not much room to hide away or get out from under the duress. I felt so helpless and alone. Looking forward, there seemed to be no end to the threat on my life. Yet God had made a way.
I did not believe so many years ago, but God had a purpose for my life. Can I believe now? Do I really believe He will make a way for me when there seems absolutely no way? Will I trust and have faith there is an ace on deck for me? Can I choose to overcome the bad choices I have made?
I smiled within as thoughts of how God’s amazing love had been poured out upon my life despite the person I was. God chose me before the foundation of the world that I would be holy and blameless before him. (Ephesians 1.4) That was a very personal thought to ponder. It verified to me that before God said Let there be light, He had a thought and a conversation about me. What is so amazing was that God knew I would be a complete failure. Yet He loved me so much that He was not willing to leave me that way. So God constructed a way when there seemed to be no way so I could have an opportunity to find The Way.
The sparrow was still sitting there at the edge of the window. He was also looking intently forward into the rain. What was he thinking? Was he disgusted, like me, about his present situation? I have every right to hold my head high and be proud of the man I have become. God blessed me to live.
. . .
Toward late spring, 1999, I started feeding this female sparrow. When we went to lunch next door at Unit 15B, the sparrow would light up high on the razor wire and chirp to me. I would whistle back to her, and she would fly off. When all the other guys were present, we were escorted to the building for lunch. Most of the time I did not eat lunch. I would walk into the cafeteria, get some bread, and depart back out on the yard.
After I departed through the front door and got to the corner of the building, this sparrow flew to me. For a space of about 25 yards, from the corner of the building to the fence, this sparrow would hover in the air all around me. She was as close as maybe a foot away. When I got to the fence, she would fly up, landing on the fence. Kneeling, I crumbled bread up in my hands and placed it on the ground right in front of me. Once the bread was on the ground, the fence would be littered with sparrows.
None of the sparrows would come to me till this one sparrow landed right in front of me, ate her food, and flew back to the fence. Then with me still present the rest of them would float down to the ground to eat. Slowly, I would get up and walk away while they ate.
Many of the staff regularly watched out the windows of the ARP office at such a spectacle. No one could believe I had this much connection with these animals. See, I saw myself in them. They ministered to me more than I did to them. These animals live in some of the harshest of situations, and not one of them falls to the ground without the Heavenly Father knowing it. They depended on me daily for what may be deemed a piece of heaven, so to speak.
I still had a chip on my shoulder but I was slowly changing. These birds allowed me to learn how to be lovable to something or someone. They helped me get in touch with the better part of me which needed to be brought out.
I found so much joy in having these birds come to me every day. I began to have a special moment in this connection I had with this one sparrow. Our connection grew the more I had interactions with her. It developed to a point that if I were walking the compound, she would fly to me and follow me everywhere I would go. She would sing and chirp. Sometimes I thought she would be fussing at me for something I should have done or something I should not have done.
Then abruptly it ended. [But like much else preceding this in Jerry’s narrative, that part of the story cannot be told.]
. . .
I learned there was a college program taking place. This was a Christian college with New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary (NOBTS). I was accepted into the program in the fall of 2004. This was a major experience. There were times I felt as though I were in a cemetery rather than a seminary. There were lots of difficult days I had to encounter, but everything I faced was beneficial to my development.
This college was accredited. There was a wide range of classes outside of biblical studies that we were required to take. Even though this was a prison setting, we still had to fulfill the requirements like any other student at a university.
On May 20, 2009, I graduated NOBTS with an Associate and Bachelor of Arts Degree. I think my GPA was a 3.73. Every semester I was determined to make all A’s. at no point did I ever. I always made four A’s and one B. Dr. Bley had a method to his madness for handling me in this manner. He always knew I could perform better than I was. So, with each passing semester I extended my abilities more. Dr. Bley, in turn, would raise the bar every cycle.
The process helped me more than I thought at the time. Dr. Bley was training me for something greater in my future. In fact, he told me one day that he was not my friend, but rather my teacher. At my graduation, I hugged his neck and thanked him for being my friend and teacher. His job was to bring out the best in me, even if it took measures of tough love. I am forever grateful for all he provided.
Right after graduation, I was reassigned to the chaplain department. From that day forward I have been dedicated to making an impact, foremost spiritually, but secondarily to help men become better and more responsible.
My life experience while incarcerated has not been without many various problems, but I have continued to excel over the years. I obtained a BA in Ministry with NOBTS. I have been a field minister with the chaplain department since May 20, 2009. I worked at the Administration Building for numerous Wardens for about eleven years. I have worked at the hospital providing care for terminally ill patients in hospice/palliative care for close to four years. I ministered to approximately 37 men who passed with illnesses. I was right there with many of them as they passed away. I am a Pastor of Christian Brotherhood Church at Unit 25. I am a facilitator of the Re-Entry Academy for non-violent offenders to be trained to become successful citizens upon release. I am now taking a hybrid environmental poetry/environmental creative nonfiction class in the Prison to College Pipeline Program through the University of Mississippi. And I want to obtain another degree, in Business Management.
. . .
It took many years for me to obtain the capacity to see and hear the right type of wisdom and philosophy. I am thankful for the cast of people who surrounded me, who cared. They never faltered despite all the negative baggage I hung on to.
The result of their labor continues to manifest itself as the days, weeks, and years pass. I have come a long way since the fall of 1997. The ripple effect of my crimes still branches out today. All that many people know of me is reflected back to my crimes. Yet this is not who I am today. I have evolved into a mature, productive citizen within this institution. Today there is a new ripple effect which has branched out, and conveys a new story.
I am forever grateful to have obtained a chance to get myself together. I should have been dead and gone. Yet it was deemed not to be. I have learned that my life matters. I have potential, I have worth and value. I believe in myself. I am reaching my potential to delve into my purpose in life.
Be encouraged, yourself. You can change, no matter what you have done. You have potential as well. Do not be afraid to reach out for it, and learn to believe in yourself.
