Hello. Please walk down to Scanner F.
Step One. Spread your fingers. Push the ball towards the ground.
Give me your privacy sleeve and then insert your ballot right where the black arrow is.
Try again; just flip it over and feed it into the machine. Make sure the corners aren’t creased and you bubbled your choices clearly.
Step Two. Firmly push the ball down.
Have you ever heard of Cat Bite? My daughter got a cat and asked me to cat sit for her once, but the cat jumped on me and then bit me. I thought that it would just leave a scratch but then two days later, my fingers were expanded like… like… like the orange things used for traffic. Cones! Like traffic cones. When I got to the ER, the doctor took one look at me and then paged four other doctors and they told me that had I gotten there any later, I could’ve had a serious problem. They gave me antibiotics for it and the swelling went down in a few days.
Step Three. Keep the basketball waist high as you dribble it.
“Thank you for your service. Thank you for volunteering.” Isn’t it crazy they think we’re volunteering to stand here for sixteen hours in the middle of the week?
The money comes in the mail as soon as you forget about it, but it’s a nice sum. I wish we didn’t have so much taken out by taxes, but what can you do?
Can I use your phone charger? I figured you would have one.
If you want to do this again, make sure you respond to their availability survey early.
If you do early voting, you can make an easy $1500. It’s pretty mind-numbing, but for people like us who are retired and don’t really have anything going on, it’s a fun break from peace.
Step Four. Have fun!
I used to be a banker. Do you have a Roth IRA?
Can you direct people for a bit? My legs are tired.
You’re a democrat, right? I assumed you would be. Young people always are.
I told them to go to the pretty girl waving her arm. The one wearing a sweater.
Maximum Occupancy Not to Exceed 451 Persons.
You look like you’re from Wisconsin or somewhere else calmer. I think it’s the sweater you’re wearing. It looks like it’s from somewhere warm.
No, you just look too nice.
Adult restroom. Do not linger.
Do I have to vote for everything?
I just realized I don’t know enough about the issues. Can I give you back the ballot?
They gave me two ballots. I assume that’s not allowed.
What’s the point of even voting if there are no options? We have three options for judges and you can pick up to three. Why do we even have elections?
Step back! You aren’t allowed to look at my ballot as I scan it!
Can you just scan it for me?
Does it matter which scanner I go to? Why? Well, that’s stupid. I want to choose my own.
What does this mean? What do you mean “you can’t talk to me about the issues?” What’s the point of you being here if not to answer questions that voters have? Where’s your supervisor?
Rules of the gym: Be safe! Have fun!
I went to get udon for lunch, but the noodles were too thick. There was no broth or anything.
Do not touch the utensils. Thank you.
I used to be a photographer before I retired. My favorite shot was in front of Trinity Church. A perfume company wanted to film three animals walking in front of the church so they rented out the space and hired a lion, a tiger, and a white stallion but then right before the shoot someone realized these three animals wouldn’t get along together and so they switched the whole schedule around. I had to film each animal separately and then edit them together.
Reduce Reuse Recycle.
I started doing this because I brought my daughter here and she said that everyone running the polls was so old and she thought that I could do a better job. I’ve been doing it ever since.
No children, but I have two cats.
You remind me of my granddaughter.
Reduce, Reutiliza, Recicla.
Whatever you do, don’t push anything. Let me close your polling station.
I need a strong young man to help me take this apart.
Do you think you’ll come back? You look tired. It must’ve been boring. It’s always more exciting during the presidential elections. That’s when people actually come, although they’re much meaner then.
Remove the yellow locks and replace them with the red ones. But not that yellow one. And the red one, on the top next to the screen? You shouldn’t have touched that one this entire time.
I’m a Future Voter!
I bought a phone. It was a flip phone, but the buttons were too small for my fingers and I kept on just smashing four letters at once. I tried to return the phone in the mail but they didn’t send me a refund, so I called their customer service line. It took three days before I could speak to someone who wasn’t a robot and who had an accent I understood—they kept on giving me those people in India who cannot speak any English—and she mailed me a new phone and my refund so now I have a flip phone I cannot use and money and then I called Spectrum about it because they’re the ones who give me internet and do you know what they said? They told me they had nothing to do with the phone! I cannot connect it to my landline or anything!
What a waste of time. I hate when my time is wasted.
