don’t talk to me like I’m retarded, she says

don’t talk to me like I’m a child


I swear I’m gonna hang up in another minute

who are you, Sanjay Gupta


what are you, my primary care physician

Dr. Nevins did not say that, she never told me that


she—you’re not listening

she—you’re not letting me finish


I have my hair done twice a month for sixty years

I’m not stopping now for some frikkin’ virus


I’m not having this argument

yes, my nails, too, yes,


otherwise I can’t go out you know that

of course I have to go out


how else am I gonna get my groceries

are you gonna deliver


yes, the cleaning lady touches things

she’s the cleaning lady


OK, Haitian, whatever

what did I say, African


I know she has a name it’s just

I’m having a senior moment


she wears a mask, she wears a mask

no, she wears one so why should I


I don’t know anything about high-risk populations

I don’t think I’m very familiar with that concept


then who’s gonna clean my bathroom, tell me that

are you gonna come over and do it


come over, I could make you something

you do not put me at risk for god’s sake


I’m not at risk from my own son, please

will you come over