don’t talk to me like I’m retarded, she says

don’t talk to me like I’m a child

 

I swear I’m gonna hang up in another minute

who are you, Sanjay Gupta

 

what are you, my primary care physician

Dr. Nevins did not say that, she never told me that

 

she—you’re not listening

she—you’re not letting me finish

 

I have my hair done twice a month for sixty years

I’m not stopping now for some frikkin’ virus

 

I’m not having this argument

yes, my nails, too, yes,

 

otherwise I can’t go out you know that

of course I have to go out

 

how else am I gonna get my groceries

are you gonna deliver

 

yes, the cleaning lady touches things

she’s the cleaning lady

 

OK, Haitian, whatever

what did I say, African

 

I know she has a name it’s just

I’m having a senior moment

 

she wears a mask, she wears a mask

no, she wears one so why should I

 

I don’t know anything about high-risk populations

I don’t think I’m very familiar with that concept

 

then who’s gonna clean my bathroom, tell me that

are you gonna come over and do it

 

come over, I could make you something

you do not put me at risk for god’s sake

 

I’m not at risk from my own son, please

will you come over